Lez Keep It Real

There are so many people who talk about the gay agenda, how GLBT organizations are constantly shoving their rights, view and opinions down the throats of every day people in hopes to influence them and make a lasting impact on society. I don’t consider myself part of the so-called gay agenda because I don’t have an agenda. I’m gay and I believe that I am entitled to the same rights as everyone else, sexuality aside. It’s as simple as that. When you think about it, the word “agenda” has a sort of sly connotation to it, as if someone is trying to pull a fast one on you. I personally don’t think that the gay community is trying to pull the wool over anyone eyes. But, there are some organizations in this country that do have an agenda of sorts. They claim to be acting in the name of religion, when they actually have another plan in mind – converting homosexuals to heterosexuals, otherwise known as ex-gay therapy.

Ex-gay therapy has been around since the 1960s, especially since being gay was once considered a psychological disorder. Could you imagine getting sent to a psychiatric hospital simply for being gay? Thankfully, in 1973 the American Psychiatric Association announced that homosexuality would no longer be considered an illness. In fact, the APA began warning against the use of reparative therapy for homosexuals because of the dangers it posed to their mental health and well-being. Eventually the use of such tactics subsided but has made a somewhat recent comeback in religious communities because of the growing tolerance and acceptance of gays in America. The religious right panicked and began offering group sessions, sermons, speeches, and the like to professed homosexuals within and outside of the church. They formed organizations that dealt specifically with combating homosexuality as if it were an addiction like crack or alcohol.

The most well known ex-gay programs are offered by Love in Action (funded through a national organization known as Exodus International). They are rigorous programs run by individuals who profess homosexuality can be “cured.” Apparently it was used to “cure” Reverend Ted Haggard, a well-known evangelist out of Colorado Springs, who was found romping around with a gay male prostitute. There was also the famous ex-gay couple John and Anne Paulk who appeared on the cover of Newsweek in 1998 proclaiming that they were a happy, healthy heterosexual couple. Fast forward a couple of years and Paulk was spotted out at a gay club mixing it up with other “sinners.”

There are others who have gone through these same ex-gay programs only to realize that after months of wasted time, money and energy they are still gay. They start to think … “well, maybe God did make me this way after all.” With not-for-profit organizations like Beyond Ex-Gay sprouting up all over the place, gays who struggle with their identity because of their strong religious convictions finally have other places to turn.

To those poor souls who have embarked on the ex-gay journey, I say this: you can shed your outer skin, you can toss your rainbow flag into the garage, you can marry the opposite sex legally and even have children, but you will never be able to change your sexual orientation. Sure, you can hide from it. You can even curb it. But it will never go away. It is a part of you and by denouncing something that makes you who you are, you are merely denouncing yourself.

The ex-gay agenda is basically based on fear. The religious right is so dumbfounded with the direction of acceptance in this country that they don’t know what to do with themselves. They feel backed in to a corner so to speak and are grasping at straws. Maybe they think, “If we can just get a few to come back to our side …” that they’ll have more of an influence. But those who truly believe in a higher power and that we (homosexuals) were created from the soil on up just as Adam and Eve, also know that we are loved unconditionally by the very hand that created us. To try and change something that is as innate as walking upright is as illogical as it is absurd.

All you have to do is read Christine Bakke’s story to feel the full impact of what it means to be an ex-ex-gay. She has risen up whole, accepted her faith and her sexuality. And she is a better person for it.

You see…the ex-gay agenda isn’t really so much of an agenda … it’s really more of a myth.

ex gay agenda, gay agenda, gay, lesbian, gay christian, john paulk, annie paulk, christine bakke, love in action, beyond ex gay, ted haggard, newsweek, religous right, homosexuality, religion and sexuality, religion

This week’s Come & Out Play post spotlights Sheryl Swoopes.

I’ve got plenty of reasons to cheer for Swoopes. She’s a baller after my own heart, plays for the WNBA and is an Olympic medalist. Her team, the Houston Comets, has won a total of four championships since the WNBA’s inception in 1997. Plenty of reasons, right? Wait, I’ve got one more.

Swoopes is also gay.

She came out in October 2005 and was brave enough to tell her story to the world:

“I’m tired of having to hide my feelings about the person I care about. About the person I love. Some people might say my coming out after just winning the MVP Award is heroic, and I understand that. And I know there are going to be some negative things said, too. But it doesn’t change who I am. I can’t help who I fall in love with. No one can.” READ MORE

For most of us who have come out, we’ve had to do it on a relatively small scale. We’ve had to open up to a circle that includes our family, friends and scattered acquaintances. For a rare few, the circle happens to be just a tad bit larger. Coming out isn’t exactly the easiest thing to do, especially when it’s in front of millions of people.

Sheryl had her reservations:

“I mean, you have Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O’Donnell, but you don’t have your well-known gay African-American who’s come out. Not to my knowledge. I know it’s not accepted in the black community. I know I’ll probably take a lot of flak. But in all honesty, that’s not my biggest concern.

My biggest concern is that people are going to look at my homosexuality and say to little girls — whether they’re white, black, Hispanic — that I can’t be their role model anymore.” ~ ESPN

The 36-year-old hoopster, honored as the WNBA’s Most Valuable Player in 2005, told ESPN The Magazine that she feared coming out could jeopardize her status as a role model. Swoopes said that the main reason for her coming out is simply because she doesn’t want to lie. She wants to be honest, with herself and with her fans.

“Being gay has nothing to do with the three gold medals or the three MVPs or the four championships I’ve won,” she said. “I’m still the same person. I’m Sheryl.”

That’s right. She still is Sheryl. Sheryl Swoopes, the basketball star that so many little girls look up to and admire. Some of those little girls are gay, too. And now, they have a role model they can identify with on an even deeper level.

I’m a basketball fan myself and I love to play. I think that if Swoopes or any other well-known basketball player had come out when I was growing up, I would have been a lot easier on myself about, not only being gay, but being a female athlete who was gay as well. Throw being African American in the mix, and the effect is felt even further. As The Nation points out:

For African-American women athletes, especially in the WNBA, the closet can be a cavernous, lonely, chamber of depression. Many come from small Southern towns and communities where homophobia is as thick as the humidity. They then go to college programs where learning to stay in the closet can be as much a part of the coaching drills as lay-up lines and the three-person weave. Swoopes’s courageous stance has the potential to begin to move that weight in the other direction. READ MORE

Swoopes has complained that no one talks about gays playing in men’s sports, but that it’s become and issue in the WNBA. Let’s face it. We all know that the WNBA is just crawling with closeted lesbians because of the fact that most of the players are constantly in the public eye. Women’s basketball has grown immensely over the past 20 years, but still falls under so much scrutiny. There is still a stigma attached to being a physical, female athlete – so much so that some players are afraid that if they come out, they will be playing into that stereotype. (The WNBA is an issue I plan on addressing in a future post)

Unlike other closeted players however, Swoopes refused to hide her true self from the organization, the fans ,and the world. She took a big risk and, in the end, gained an even greater sense of well-being from that very risk.

As everyone has seen, her coming out had little to no affect on her career. She’s still loved as ever, as an athlete, as a woman, as an African American, and now, as yet another courageous lesbian.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

sheryl swoopes, wnba, coming out, closet, athlete, women’s basketball, houston comets, espn, the nation, gay, lesbian

From the LA Times:

During my 23 years with The Times’ sports department, I have held a wide variety of roles and titles. Tennis writer. Angels beat reporter. Olympics writer. Essayist. Sports media critic. NFL columnist. Recent keeper of the Morning Briefing flame.

Today I leave for a few weeks’ vacation, and when I return, I will come back in yet another incarnation.

As Christine. READ MORE

I know that writing can be therapeutic, but WOW - coming out to thousands of readers most of whom are straight sports watching sterotypical men takes ALOT of moxie. I hope they don’t make her cover the WNBA now iinstead of football. That would be kind of insulting.

Go Mike … er, I mean Christine!

Introducing the “Notable Lesbians” series. Every Thursday, I will highlight a lesbian from the present or the past that has made a notable contribution to society in some shape or form, whether as a scholar, entertainer, writer, political figure, etc.

If you have a suggestion for a Notable Lesbian, contact me and I’ll highlight her in an upcoming post.

This week’s Notable Lesbian is:

Amy Lawrence Lowell
February 9, 1874 – May 12, 1925
Amy was an American poet who lived in Boston, MA. She had a profound love of books and schooled herself by reading constantly. Growing up in the Lowell family, she was a socialite who enjoyed traveling. After viewing a performance piece in Europe, her poetic spirit took hold. Her first poem was published in 1910 and appeared in Atlantic Monthly.

Interesting tid bit: Amy preferred to smoke cigars instead of cigarettes, proclaiming that the “flavor” lasted longer.

Read Lowell’s Work

gay, lesbian, notable lesbians, lowell family, amy lowell, poet, lesbian poet, atlantic monthly, socialite

Gay.com - Ten years after they kissed on the “Ellen” show, Ellen DeGeneres and Laura Dern reunited Monday on DeGeneres’s syndicated talk show to reflect on the smooch and its aftermath. DeGeneres, now 49, made pop-culture history in 1997 by coming out of the closet in real life while her sitcom character did likewise. In her character’s coming-out episode, Dern shared a smooch with the comedian during a guest stint on the ABC series as a lesbian love interest. READ MORE

Here’s a snippet of Laura Dern and Ellen discussing the famous “kiss” episode:

By taking a risk and putting her career on the line, Ellen basically paved the way for future gay-themed sitcoms and television shows like Will & Grace, Queer Eye and Work Out. Thanks to Ellen, gay television is alive and well (and quite popular I might add).

Tune in to watch Ellen, who has become the lesbian hostess with the mostess, host a special episode of American Idol tonight! For the latest news on Idol, check out Reed’s blog.

ellen degeneres, laura dern, the ellen show, gay, lesbian, glbt television, will & grace, work out, queer eye

I’ve noticed that I’ve made some U-Haul references in my last few posts … maybe it’s time I wrote a post about it.

I remember the first lesbian joke I had ever heard. What does a lesbian bring on the first date? A U-Haul. The story goes – you meet someone, you fall in love or lust and the next thing you know, you’re living with your significant other, own two cats and have a “couples only” game night. Personally, I think the lesbian community itself keeps U-Haul in business. Before you start packing up the truck, maybe it’s time to stop, take a moment, and think things through. Yes, even when you are in love.

Let me set the scene. You meet someone out one night – say at a club while busting your groove on the dance floor or while sipping on the latest coffee combo at a snug little coffee shop. You chat for a bit and then exchange a couple of flirtatious glances and slight nudges. She gives you her number, you give her yours. Maybe a week later (you’ve talked every night since) you’ve got those tingles in your fingertips every time you think about her and those butterflies swarming around in your stomach. She’s become the hot topic of conversation with all of your friends. Ah, you think… it might even be love. Suddenly your level head turns to mush, all rational decisions go out the window and you take the next “logical” step to further your relationship … you move in together.

Sound familiar?

This is the pattern that so many lesbian relationships adhere to for some odd reason and it has even become the norm. I’ve observed this pattern time and time again. It gets exploited in lesbian stories, television shows, and movies – so much so that you’d think we would have learned from it. But yet, the U-Haul still gets packed up without an inkling of hesitation.

When two women come together, there’s often an overwhelming connection. I think because women are more emotional than men we look to have our needs met right away. When women feel nurtured and safe, we often don’t want to ever let that feeling go and it seems that we will feel that way forever. I call this period the “honeymoon” period because everything is hazy, wonderful and perfect.

The first woman I ever dated wanted me to “run away” with her to North Hampton, MA – a Gay Mecca of sorts, even before I told my parents that I was gay. I was like, “Um, let’s slow this down a bit.” We only dated for four months. I thought that step might be just a little too fast. In fact, I wouldn’t consider moving in with someone until at least a year has gone by. For a lot of lesbian couples, the relationship advances so quickly that by the time they are together for a year, they’re already engaged and sharing household chores. But they also start to realize some issues they have in their relationship that they just didn’t see because the “honeymoon” period was in full effect. The relationship then becomes complicated once the honeymoon fizzles out because those very issues come to a head.

I realize that falling in love can be a truly wonderful and mind boggling thing. I’ve been there myself, maybe too many times. But I also know that lesbian relationships are based upon the same things that heterosexual relationships are. If you notice, the most successful couples out there – gay or straight – have let their relationships evolve on their own. When things aren’t rushed, then you have a better chance of spotting an issue early on before it becomes a bigger problem down the road. You get to know one another on a deeper level and the connection becomes rooted, almost like a tree, which makes the relationship strong and solid.
Then, when the time comes to load up the U-Haul, you can feel confident about the decision you’re making because it’s based on logic and not just on love.

My advice (based on experience) don’t go dialing 1-800-Uhaul just yet … take your time, there’s no need to rush things.

Uhaul, gay, lesbian, relationships, north hampton, honeymoon, love

Are you looking to build a successful, long-standing relationship with your partner? (Aren’t we all) Truth Azimuth, LLC is hoping to make the task a little easier.

Let’s face it, all relationships (straight, gay or otherwise) take work. But being in a gay relationship brings about its own set of challenges. A gamut of issues can arise from adoption, gay marriage, family interaction, acceptance from friends, families, co-workers, etc., and navigating the ever-changing sea of society as a openly gay couple.

True Azimuth, LLC offers a relationship development program for gay couples called “Don’t Just Survive, Thrive!” The free program lists 100 qualities that contribute to a solid, thriving, lasting gay relationship.

“Don’t Just Survive, Thrive” offers answers to the following questions and more:

What holds a couple together?

How do you increase intimacy?

How do you develop values as a couple without sacrificing your values as individuals?

“This is a great tool for couples as well as coaches, counselors or therapists who work with gay men and gay couples,” says Scott Graham, a life and relationship coach who developed the program. The program has four main parts: a self assessment, setting ground rules for discussion, comparing notes and developing an action plan for growth. The program explores a range pf gay relationship topics including: home, money, sex, emotions, purpose and community. “Many items are challenging, provoking and difficult to answer ‘yes’ to,” says Graham. “It’s not about getting a perfect score in order to convince yourself that you have a great relationship. It’s about creating a blueprint growth and communication.”

I personally think the concept of having a program geared towards sustaining the longevity of a relationship is a wonderful thing. We, as gay couples, are often faced with challenges that are far different from the average relationship. Yet, we also deal with a lot the same issues such as money, communication, sexual intamacy and more. My only complaint about this program is that it deals with gay men only. True Azimuth, LLC is currently developing a program for lesbian couples as well.

Maybe it’s just that we lesbians don’t need any help. We’ve got the commitment thing down - just ask any Uhaul company!

True Azimuth, LLC, headquartered in West Fairlee, Vermont, began offering business, personal and relationship coaching in 2006.

Download a copy of “Don’t Just Survive, Thrive!” here.

true azimuth, vermonth, gay relationships, gay, lesbian, scott graham, commitment

The Pokey Chatman camp spoke Tuesday, and for the first time in six weeks, the embattled coach’s intentions seem clear.

She plans on coaching again, doesn’t want her job back at LSU and wants the university to pay her roughly $900,000.

Chatman’s attorney, Mary Olive Pierson, said Tuesday her client was given about two hours to resign or be fired on March 7 amid allegations she had inappropriate sexual relationships with former players. In a five-page letter to the university, e-mailed to selected members of the news media, Pierson painted a picture of a coach unjustly treated and compared LSU’s actions to “the Nifong school of decision making.”

Pierson also said further legal action is likely if Chatman isn’t compensated for the final two years of her contract. - ESPN.com

READ MORE

Read the five-page letter.

Though she still has yet to make a public appearance or speak out about this incident herself, at least we know she isn’t just going to hide from these allegations or disappear from the coaching world altogether.

We’re still playing, “Where’s Pokey.” You’ve played “Where’s Waldo” before, haven’t you? Well, the same rules apply here. If you happen to stumble upon an article or an announcement of Pokey’s whereabouts, heck, if you happen to actually see her somewhere - contact me! Maybe I’ll even throw in a prize!

gay, lesbian, sports, women’s college basketball, pokey chapman, lsu, head coach, resigns, mary olive pierson, nifong, espn

This week’s Come & Out Play post centers on the difficulties and preparedness surrounding the “coming out” conversation.

The hardest part about coming out, I believe, is admitting that you are gay to yourself. After having that conversation with yourself, you’ll be able to transition into a place where you can feel confident in having that same conversation with others. Actually getting the words out of the caverns of your throat, off your sticky dry tongue and into the ears of others, well … that’s the second hardest part.

After you feel as though you are in a healthy place (emotionally and mentally) with your sexuality, you can begin to sift through your list of family and friends that you would like to talk to about being gay. Sometimes, it’s a matter of whom you feel most comfortable with and whom you think would respond in the most positive way. Other times, it’s a matter of who you feel you have to tell because you just don’t want to keep it from them any longer and feel as though you are hiding a piece of yourself from them.

The first person you choose to come out to is extremely important, because their reaction will set a sort of tone for your coming out journey. A poor reaction might convince you to refrain from telling others while a positive reaction might do the opposite and send you straight up to the roof tops armed with a megaphone and a short, concise monologue about your freedom ride out of the dreadful closet! Either way, try not to let others affect your decision to come out. You made the decision yourself; their reaction isn’t a reflection of you. It’s a direct reflection of them and their own inner feelings.

The first person I decided to tell, believe it or not, was my grandmother. She’s an extremely loving woman who is pushing 95 years young. I’m amazed at her every day because she is still so active and healthy. I can only reason that she’s lived so long because she acts from a place of unconditional love. I told her in a letter because, for me, it is the best way I know how to communicate. Her reaction was simply, “I always knew. And I love you still.” I wrote a column about this actually, it’s my favorite column that I have ever written. You can read it here.

After I moved back home from Boston to Buffalo back in 2002, I knew that I had to tell my parents next because I was going to be living with them and because I had never kept anything so deep and personal from them in my whole life. I was home for an entire month before I told them and every day I was in agony. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of when I went to bed. I had the whole conversation planned out in my head and replayed it a billion and one times over. I had a book called, Different Daughters for my mother to read because I feared she would have the hardest time with it. I thought some literature from other mothers might help her relate and indentify her feelings.

On a cool October night during dinner in our makeshift patio that was the garage (my father transformed it into a dining area in the summer so we could eat outside), my mother made an offhanded comment about how I seemed depressed lately. She asked a few questions and pressed the issue. After saying, “No, it’s not that” more than a couple of times, I finally said, “I have something to tell you.” Once I said those words, there was no going back. I said everything I had planned to say and more. Then, I let them speak. Their initial reactions were what I had anticipated. My mother cried, my father put on a game face and pretended to be OK. After it sunk in, things shifted. With the help of the book, my mother gained a better understanding of homosexuality and her entire outlook changed. She actually began to think that having a gay daughter was, dare I say, cool! My father had a harder time with it because of his strong religious and conservative convictions, what I told him challenged his entire worldview. But, just as I needed time and space to accept my sexuality myself, he needed the same consideration. And when he was ready, we were able to have more of a dialogue about it. As of today, my being gay is a non issue.

If you are getting ready to have your own conversation with friends and/or family, Human Rights Campaign.org has some great tips to aid you in this overwhleming task.

Some of their advice is as follows:

It’s normal to want or hope for positive reactions from the people you tell, including:

• Acceptance
• Support
• Understanding
• Comfort
• Reassurance that your relationship won’t be negatively affected
• Confidence that your relationship will be closer
• Acknowledgment of your feelings
• Love

All or some of these positive reactions can result from your coming out conversation, but they may not happen immediately. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes may also be helpful.

Give the person you’re telling the time they need. It may also be helpful to remember that the person you’re really doing this for is you. When you’re ready to tell someone, consider starting with the person most likely to be supportive. This might be a friend, relative or teacher. Maybe you will tell this person that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Maybe you will simply say that you have questions about your sexual orientation or gender identity.

Again, there is no right or wrong way to do this. You are the expert in knowing what’s best for yourself and what you are feeling. When you are ready, here are a couple of things to keep in mind:

• Find a relaxed, private place to have the conversation, and allow adequate time.
• People will usually take their cues from you in how to approach this — so be open and honest and say that it’s okay to ask questions. Appropriate and gentle humor can go a long way to easing anxiety for both you and the person you are speaking with.

READ MORE

The coming out conversation can be a daunting thing, but once you get over the initial fear and anxiety, once you get the words out and once you find yourself engaging in a dialogue with the person or people you are telling, you experience a feeling so free and liberating that I can’t even begin to describe it with words. I remember the feeling exactly, regardless of my parents’ or grandmother’s reaction. And I remember sighing to myself and thinking, “Well … it’s out. And so am I.”

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund

April 16, 2007, will be remembered as one of the darkest days in the history of the Virginia Tech community and the world beyond.

To remember and honor the victims of those tragic events, the university has established the Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund to aid in the healing process and generate financial support.

The fund will be used to cover expenses including but not limited to:

• Grief counseling
• Memorials
• Communication expenses
• Comfort expenses
• Incidental needs

If you plan to give, please click the link below:

Since it’s the thick of April … and April always seems to bring rain showers or in some cases (if you happen to live in the North East as I do), snow, I thought that I’d give you all some suggestions of quality reading material to snuggle up with on the couch until the warmer weather ushers in.
Get ready to sprawl out, wrap yourself under your favorite warm blanket and start reading!

According to Publishing Triangle – these are the top ten best gay and lesbian novels (out of a list of a hundred) recommended:

1. Death in Venice by Thomas Mann
2. Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin
3. Our Lady of the Flowers by Jean Genet
4. Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust
5. The Immoralist by Andre Gide
6. Orlando by Virginia Woolf
7. The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall
8. Kiss of the Spider Woman by Manuel Puig
9. The Memoirs of Hadrian by Marguerite Yourcenar
10. Zami by Audré Lorde

For the rest of the list, click here.

Publishing Triangle was founded in 1988 and works to create support and a sense of community for lesbian and gay people in the publishing industry.

As for me, there’s one book that I think all lesbians should read at some point in their lives. It’s called Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown (Ranked 18th on PT’s top 100 list). It made the top 100 list but it’s number one on my personal list. It captures, quite perfectly I might add, the natural evolution of a young girl into a woman all while exploring the many facets of her sexuality. It’s brilliantly written, a true “page-turner.”

Off of the gay and lesbian topic, I also recommend The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. I hear that they are planning on turning it into a movie. For those people who sometimes see the movie instead of taking the time to read the book, this is one of those cases where you MUST read the book. It’s a well-written, beautifully crafted story that unfolds in such an intricately woven way that it almost makes the reader feel like he or she is part of the story. It also provides an inside view of the turmoil that is the Middle East and paints a vivid picture of the destruction and chaos that any war, civil or otherwise, can cause.

As for my favorite author, I love Judy Blume. Her books helped me come of age. From the highly controversial Forever, (voted most banned book from high schools in 2005) where I first learned about sex, to the simplistic humor of Freckle Juice and Sheila the Great, Judy Blume exhibits an uncanny ability to bring humor and light to topics often considered too unmentionable to mention in young adult fiction like masturbation, menstruation and sex. She took risks with her stories and dared to be so candid when writing about things that others were too afraid to touch upon. She brought real life “growing pains” out from under the rug and into the open. And many kids, like me, loved it because she gave us something real to relate to. We could read, Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret and say, “That’s exactly how I feel.” Or “That happened to me too!”

I hope I’ve provided you with some good reading suggestions to keep you busy during those cozy rainy days as well as those lazy summer afternoons spent lying on the grass.

For more fun tips on the latest books and other reading material, visit 451’s blog for everything literary – The Book Stacks.

book, gay, lesbian, novel, reading, publishiing triangle, judy blume, rita mae brown, rubyfruit jungle, forever, the kite runner

Last night I was basically surfing the Internet in a poor attempt at procrastination. I’m a horrible procrastinator because I immediately feel guilty for not doing what I’m supposed to be doing, succumb to the guilt and end up doing what I’m supposed to be doing anyway. Did you get all of that?

Onto the point of this post. I happened upon one of those Yahoo Answers to a question that I’m sure has plagued lesbians since the beginning of time.

The question: Why do straight men find lesbians attractive?

The so-called “best” answer: I find attractive lesbians attractive because of appearance. But in personal dealings, when it’s clear my interest is not reciprocated or especially welcomed, the attraction quickly fades. Read More

Why this answer was considered the “best,” I have no idea. I, do however, consider it to be uncannily similar to what most straight men would say when asked this very same question.

Straight men consider lesbians to be hot as long as the fantasy of being involved in their sexual exploits is alive and well. Once the fantasy is dead in the water, so is the attraction.

Being sexually involved with two women at the same time can do wonders for a straight man’s ego. Think about it … not only one, but two women want him? And at the very same time. Talk about rising to the occasion. You bet any straight man, when presented with the opportunity, would gladly oblige. Of course, flip the script and take him out of the equation and he suddenly feels left out, defeated … maybe less of man even.

You might wonder how I could make such generalizations. I guess because I have seen it happen numerous times myself. I’ve been out at straight clubs with a beautiful women who often draw numerous glances in their direction from big, buff and sexually charged I’ve-got-something-special-for-you wielding men. When these women didn’t exchange looks or reciprocate in anyway, they often reacted by making some far less than intelligent or derogatory retort. Then, they’d cast their disbelieving eyes at me because I was the one that was buying the women drinks, having them whispering in my ear, flirting and of course, dancing with them.

How could this be? The straight men wonder. How could these women rather be with her than me?

Enter a little term I like to call Venus envy.

Basically, I have something these men could never ever possess. A woman’s touch. The simple reason as to why true lesbians don’t want anything sexually to do with a straight man is basically because a straight man isn’t a woman. That’s all there is to it.

Here’s another example. Recently on Work Out, the wonderful reality show on Bravo featuring uberly fit power lesbian, Jackie Warner, I saw a similar situation unfold. Jackie is hooking up with one of her trainers, Rebecca, who I think it basically experimenting, but that’s beside the point. While out one evening as a group, some of the trainers are put off by Jackie and Rebecca’s flirting. One of the straight male trainers, Dre’, explains later on in the episode why he was so bothered by the two of them together. In so many words, he says, “When there’s two gorgeous women together getting it on and I’m not a part of it, yeah it pisses me off.” He felt angry because he was being left out. I ask you this, who invited him in the first place?

I know that Dre’ isn’t the only straight male out there who feels this way.

For all you guys out there, I’m sorry … but I’ve got to give it to you straight (pun fully intended.) There’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t work out more, tidy up your appearance, walk with a swagger, and flash wads of cash or brag about how good you are in bed. It doesn’t matter. When lesbians are out in a club, they are there to have a good time and not because they are out looking for a third party. I apologize for the many women who lure you into this fantasy by masquerading as lesbians out for good time. I also apologize for the billions of porno flicks who paint an all to common picture that any man, even a refrigerator repairman, can walk in on two lesbians having sex and suddenly be invited to join in. The truth is – it doesn’t happen as often as you think. So, don’t be so shocked next time you see two girls dancing on the floor a little too close for comfort when you give them the “come here eyes,” and they don’t respond. I’m not trying to burst your bubble, I’m just give you a healthy dose of reality.

Back to the question posed above: Why do straight men find lesbians attractive?

The true answer: They don’t really. They find the idea of lesbians attractive. Take straight guy out, put him in the middle of a lesbian club full of femmes, butches, dykes, bois, granola crunchers and everything else in between and you’ll see him turn and run faster than a lesbian chasing a U-haul truck down the street.

It’s true … I’ve seen it happen.

If you’re a straight man, I’d love to hear your input on this. Feel free to comment below.

For more on Work Out, check out 451’s blog for Reality on Bravo.

gay, lesbian, straight, work out, venus, envy, yahoo answers

We (meaning we as in gays and lesbians) are often asked the ever-ambiguous question, “When did you know?” Obviously, the people asking the question are referring to one thing and one thing only: when did you know you were … um, (insert awkward moment here) … (forced cough) ahem … gay?.

It’s a loaded question simply because it’s different for every person. There is no right or wrong answer, no exact age when we come to the realization of our sexuality, no law of nature and no scientific equation to explain it.

For some, a specific moment frozen in time comes to mind. They can recall exactly where they were, what they were wearing, the swirl of emotions they were feeling and who they were talking to (if anybody.) For others, the realization happened over a period of time where thoughts persisted until they finally gave in and said, “Oh my God, I am gay!”

Some knew way back when they little whipper snappers running around the neighborhood trying to keep up with the rest of the pack of boys and girls yet, at the same time, feeling somewhat out of place. They heard thoughts in their heads like Kevin Arnold on The Wonder Years and often wondered why they felt so different on the inside. Others didn’t receive “the calling” as I like to call it until they were in college, free of the watchful eyes of the ‘rents and full of curiosity. Upon experimenting, they found that the gay piece was missing from the puzzle that was their so-called life.

Every one of us knew at a definitive point in our lives that we were different on some level from the majority of the human race. We had the inclination that something inside of us didn’t quite make sense. And once we were able to put a name to the feeling, a liberation beyond our wildest dreams took place.

For me, since I paint in words rather than watercolors, I had to write a short story about “when I knew” to fully capture such a momentous realization. It wasn’t a specific moment for me, but a natural progression of sorts that began with what I like to call, “The Accidental Kiss.”

I was eight years old when I first realized that I was gay. I may not have known the definition, I may not have even known the word . . . but I knew the feeling. It was the swarm of butterflies that flew into one another deep within my stomach every time I was around her. It was the sweatiness of my palms and nervous vibrations in my voice whenever she was close enough for me to smell the fabric softener in her clothes or the sweet scent of her shampoo. She was my best friend and my first crush.
I was raised in a neighborhood in which there were entirely too many boys and not enough girls for me to play with. This was my mother’s sentiment. For me, I was perfectly happy playing with GI Joe’s instead of Barbie’s, riding my bike pretending it was a motorcycle and running around in the summer time with out my shirt on. I was just like everyone else. I was happy being a girl who was accepted as “one of the guys.”Read More

For more stories like mine, I highly recommend the book, “When I Knew,” by Robert Trachtenberg You’ll read stories and tidbits from regular people to celebrities like this:

My mother began the conversation, “Well, I was watching Oprah last week and the show was about married men who turned out to be gay.” A lump sank through my throat. She continued, “And Oprah said something that made a lot of sense to me.”

“If you walk like a duck and quack like a duck, usually you’re a duck,” recited my mother. I quickly closed my eyes and prayed for an opportunity to escape her presence, but she had somehow found the courage. “Are you a duck, Darin?”
~ Darin Johnson from When I knew

Now, I ask you … When did you know?

E-mail me your story at ldark21@yahoo.com or use the contact link above and I’ll use it on an upcoming post of Lez Keep It Real.

gay, lesbian, homosexual, when I knew, accidental kiss, robert trachtenberg

I was introduced to the principle that we create our life and experiences with our own thoughts through a book called “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay. I admit that when I first read about this simplistic natural law, I was a bit skeptical. But I’ve come to find, through my own experiences and observing others that the law of attraction does exist.

Whether you want to believe it or not doesn’t matter. Because whatever you think about on a consistent basis, you are going to create. Some people are turned off by this principal because they are offended that something could be so easy. Their thoughts are that “you have to work for money,” and believing that all you have to do is think of money and you will manifest it is too much for them to swallow.
The “Secret” has now gripped the nation thanks to shows like Oprah and a wealth of motivational and spiritual thinkers who back it. Although I have read numerous books on this subject before, I decided to buy the “Secret” to see if there was anything in it that I hadn’t already learned or have become aware of. The key to this book is that it not only teaches you the law of attraction; it shows you how to implement it into your every day life.

The “Secret” doesn’t care where you are currently at in your life. It doesn’t care if you are white, black, brown or purple. It also doesn’t care if you are gay, straight, transgendered or bisexual. The power to change your thoughts does not lie within anyone except for you. To some people, knowing that they have that much power is too much to take it. “It can’t be that simple,” they say. And so they go on creating things in their lives that they do not want or situations that are unhealthy for them.

Reverend Vilius Dunzila, Ph.D of the Advocate wrote a somewhat harsh review of the “Secret.” He came at it from a negative point of view, obviously missing the message of the power of positive thoughts.

The Reverend singles in on the experiences of one gay man who, with the simple changing of his inner beliefs, was able to change his outward experiences. His belief was that he was ashamed to be gay. Therefore, he created situations that reflected that. People were mean to him, disrespected him and harassed him on several occasions. Once he realized how what he was thinking affected his daily life, he experimented by changing his daily thoughts. As a result, and because he truly believed that he was a good person no matter what his sexual orientation was, his life became more enjoyable. The people he encountered welcomed him.

Reverend Dunzila finds this hard to believe. Yet, I can attest to this. I have never once thought of myself as a terrible person because I was gay. I always believed that I was loved by God and my family and friends solely for the person I was inside. Because of that belief, I have yet to experience any act of homophobia against me in any way. Everyone that I have encountered and have told that I am a lesbian has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. These are my experiences and they are a direct result of my thoughts.

I, by no means, am saying that acts of homophobia are justified in any way. What I am saying is that when situations occur in our lives, sometimes we need to take a second look at why they might be happening. What could you be putting out into the universe that would reflect back in such a way? You can take the power away from the attacker and put it in your own hands. That, in itself, is a concept that some are just not willing to accept. But think about it … when you have the power you take away the influence and ignorance of others. You put your own beliefs and dignity first. When you think that what they (homophobic morons) say or do has no power over you, it can’t negatively affect you. How wonderful and empowered would you feel then?

Reverend Dunzila paints the “Secret” as such:

The materialistic and narcissistic messages of “The Secret” belittle whatever superficial spiritual teachings it hopes to offer. The movie makes no mention of loving one’s neighbor or enacting justice. It makes no overtures toward feeding the hungry, clothing the needy, sheltering the homeless, or caring for the sick. The power of positive thinking will apparently take care of that.

What the “power of positive” thinking does is take the responsibility off of others and puts it right into your own lap. Some people just don’t want to be responsible for their own lives. They would rather blame someone else or something else for the cause of their misery because it’s easier. What the Reverend fails to realize here and what he seemingly cannot wrap his mind around is that it’s not only the power of positive thinking; it’s the power of positive thinking of the individual. The power lies within them … us … me… you. Individual thinking. That is what it is all about.

Yes, love thy neighbor. Be good unto others. Donate money, clothing, time and whatever else you can. Act from a position of love and gratitude. These are all principals that the “Secret” embodies and yet the Revered somehow overlooked them or saw them as “superficial.” He was too busy being stuck in his rut of disbelief. If, by some miracle, he could put his stubbornness aside and look into the “Secret” a little further then he might be able to get the entire message and not just bits and pieces of it.

The Reverend also goes off about AIDS and how the “Secret” paints a disturbing picture that it is the gay man’s fault for contracting the disease. Fault, no. Poor choices maybe, depending on the circumstance. Maybe if he looked into Louise Hay a bit he might learn that she has an entire charity built on the foundation of positive thinking to fight AIDS and give peace to the billions of people who have the disease. He might learn that she is charished and loved in the gay community, especially by gay men with AIDS because she started a support group in her own home for them. (It grew into what is now known as the Hay Foundation) He might also learn that she is an advocate of the “Secret” and its basic principal of positive thinking (which she uses to empower gay men living with aids).

The “Secret” is an amazingly freeing concept that breaks all limitations. In fact, it could be used as an empowering tool for many gays and lesbians. The basic premise of it stems from self-love. Teaching gays and lesbians how to truly love themsevles despite what society or others may think could do wonders for our community.

I ask the Reverend this: Is it a bad thing for people to learn how to love themselves, how to think of themselves and wonderful, amazing individuals? Imagine how this simple thought could influence gay and lesbian teens who struggle with their sexual identity?

He’s not “sold” on the secret. Yet there’s nothing for him to buy. You can either believe it or not. That doesn’t change the law of attraction.

Gay or straight, the “Secret” doesn’t discriminate. What it does do is give us all something beautiful to believe in.

gay, bisexual, lesbian, the secret, the advocate, manifest, louise hay, hay house, homophobic, reverend vilius dunzila

Today’s Come Out & Play story comes from Christopher Chan, a twenty-one-year-old business student at Mount Royal College in Calgary, Alberta. (That’s in Canada people!)

I accidentally came across Christopher’s coming out story while perusing random video blogs on YouTube. As soon I saw it I was instantly impressed. Here’s a young man talking candidly about an incredibly emotional time in his life when he decided to come out to his friends and family, and he’s doing it in front of billions of people via the Internet.

Now that’s coming out with some moxie!

I contacted Christopher to ask him some follow up questions to his coming out video blog.

LD: What was the hardest thing about coming out for you?

CC: The hardest thing [for me] was having to face the fear of other people. Having to face my own fear of being different and unacceptable to my friends, colleagues and family. That I would have to live life as a “them,” as opposed to an “us.”

LD: Who was the hardest person to tell?

CC: My mother.

LD: Why did you choose to post your coming out story on YouTube?

CC: I had just established a video blog but ithad nothing personal on it. I figured that I wanted to let people know about my personal experiences, in order to become closer to my viewers. Perhaps even reach out and share my experience with people who may be going through similar ordeals.

LD: Who was your greatest support system when you were coming out?

CC: My dear friend, Anssam.

LD: What is your current relationship with your Mother? Is it any better/worse?

CC: It had improved drastically, although she doesn’t trust me.

LD: Do you feel your video blog will help others who struggle with coming out?

CC: I absolutely hope so.

LD: What advice, if any, would you give someone who was planning on coming out?

CC: The best things I could say is to come out when you’re ready. And when you do, you won’t have to run anymore.

LD: What was the best thing about coming out of the closet for you?

CC: I feel free to be myself. [I feel] free to love. Free to express affection to those whom I choose and free from lies and deceit.

For more about Christopher and his video blog, visit him at electric-flame.com

For more on the exciting world of YouTube, visit 451 Press’ own YouTube Digger.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.