Lez Keep It Real

This week’s Come Out & Play post spotlights Christine from Canada. Christine told me her story through OurChart, a lesbian social-networking site spun from the L Word.

What makes this particular story intriguing to me is that I just wrote a post about gay Mormons a couple of days ago. I wanted some insight into what gay Mormons go through, I wanted to hear about it personally from someone who wasn’t afraid to talk about it …

Ask and you shall receive.

This is Christine’s story:

Now the awkward conversation… don’t worry - we’ll get through this. It always happens the night after something like that last blog.

The silence…

The abashed glances though eyelashes drawn down…

The writer’s block…

Yesterday I had my first “Religious” Guidance meeting. I think we made some progress as I managed - after some help from my cousin who agreed to come along as support.

We mannaged to get the point across that I was infact gay, that I LIKE women and that I am not in fact confused about my feelings surrounding men due to “bad” experiences. I would not/could not change this fact and that I personally don’t want to continue to suppress these feelings because I don’t want to kill myself.

Excerpt from meeting; “…has your brother ever had similar feelings?”

Huh?

For women - yes, he lives with one. Oh - you mean for men… no. Not that I know of.

I found it particularly funny how “the feelings” I’m having where continually alluded to but never named - so I through around the H word a bit to see if it would get any reactions. I know these guys love me - and I told them straight out and honestly for the first time that I was mad a GOD.

Yes - I said it, completely pissed at him. Everything in the bible denotes that “the feelings” that I’m having are evil, sinful and wrong… how can I feel at peace with myself and cut out that knowledge? I am at complete odds with my faith at this point. People that I know have hurt me deeply because they are hypocritical and hurtful with their words. I know (friends) people - who “love me dearly” that have had such hate pour out of their mouths for people they don’t know. “The Gays” - that’s what we’ll call her, a once close friend that told me I should be boycotting Wal-Mart - because they “…support THE GAYS…” and my first response was - good. Then second - aren’t there BETTER reasons to boycott Wal-Mart??

I told my cousin I didn’t want to be the poster child for lesbian Mormons…

She said; quoting someone else - “Sometimes you need to be more open minded to close minded people…”

I watched Jennifer Beals’ speech from the 2006 Glaad Awards and after sleeping on it, my meeting, my cousins words and how damn angry I am my current sphere of existence.

I decided I’m coming out. If they want me to be honest, strong and work on staying in the church… I’m not going to hide anymore.

I need to know who my real friends are - and who REALLY gives a shit. Before I have cancer or something really horrible happen.

I’d rather people talked to my face than at my back as I pass. I’m gonna make some t-shirts, - I probably won’t say it from a pulpit… and maybe I’m just gonna be a shit disturber - but even Brigham Young - with his 30+ wives was a swearin’ son of a Mormon… and I gotta be who I’m gunna be.

I don’t have a girlfriend, I still practice celibacy and if I suddenly did end up with someone - my plan of action may change to include them and thier feelings.

“She” might put the angry fire out.

But suddenly my thought is - There are other’s like me. And we need to support each other. And we need to love each other and this needs to be out in the open. I can’t be the only person hurting quietly and politely in a corner.

So I will be the local poster gurl. And they can all see me happy - not because I’m a Mormon… But because I’m GAY and I’m not going to hide that anymore.

Gay Mormons Unite! That’s not a bad one for the T-shirt…

Which makes me think of a T-shirt my aunt once made where she spelt Unite wrong and it said Untie instead…

I don’t know how long I will stay a Mormon. I’m never getting married in the Temple, I’m never going to date men, BUT - I’m not going to hold love at a distance anymore.

I just feel like making a flag and yelling a lot - “look at meeee!!! Look at meeee!!!!

So, something will give and I guess time will tell what, where and how.

Editor’s note: this excerpt is directly taken from Christine’s blog, therefore I did not change a word of it or correct typos, etc. I wanted it to be as real and as raw as it came across to me when I first read it.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

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This week’s Come Out Play post spotlights coming out on the job.

I work a nine-to-five job at pretty large corporation downtown in which most of my day is spent writing in some shape or form, coming up with catchy taglines and trading witty comments with my co-workers. At work, it’s no secret that I am a lesbian. In fact, I’ve never been one to hide or avoid it.

Now don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t wear rainbow colored socks to work every day, nor do I have a huge rainbow flag waving over my cubicle, flapping in the wind of the air conditioner. What tipped my coworkers off? I don’t know exactly. It might have been that little ditty I wrote for a My View Column in The Buffalo News in November off 2005 about gay marriage where I basically announced to the entire city that I was, in fact, a lesbian and that I also wanted to get married someday. Shrug. OR it could simply be the fact that I talk openly about who I am and trust that I work with a good group of solid individuals who are all open minded and accepting. I know that I am lucky because I can’t imagine what my work days would be like if I had to hide my sexuality. But for others, it might be more difficult depending on the situation. Coming out at work involves a wealth of factors from how close you are to your co-workers to what the non-discrimination policy is to what type of atmosphere you work in.

For those of you who haven’t come out yet, or are thinking about coming out at work, Human Rights Campaign offers some sound tips as well as some important questions to consider:

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This week’s Come Out & Play post spotlights Chi from Arizona. Chi told me her story through OurChart, a lesbian social-networking site spun from the L Word.

This is Chi’s story:

I am probably a classic case … busted by a love letter. I was 15 years old staying the weekend at my Grandma’s so since I couldn’t see my girl and was going crazy I figured I’d write a scrumptious love note telling her how I was going out of my mind not being able to see her. So I sat down and wrote this love letter filled with all these detailed feelings and actions a hormonal 15-year-old would write (definitely something you would not want your parents to see), tossed in a nice poem, folded it up and set it in my dresser drawer and went about my day.

Well the next morning I wake up and at breakfast my Grandma asks me if there is something I want to tell her … why does family ask that, it is such an open-ended question you don’t even know how to respond and then they get upset when you question them about what they’re talking about … sorry on to the story. So of course when she asked if there was something I wanted to tell her I started running through my mind of all the things I had recently done that she might of found out about, not once thinking about the letter. So I asked her what she was talking about and then … bum bum bum she tossed the letter on the table and asked who I had wrote this letter to.

See I wasn’t out so I didn’t use a name in the letter but there were definitely some female references in there, so I told her is was to a girl named Racquel,it was a small town so my Grandma knew her and her family. She calmly got up went to the phone and called her parents and told them they needed to come over and to bring their daughter, then called my Mom and Dad and told them the same.

My Grandma has this big oak table that seats about 12 people and so everyone arrived one by one starring at each other wondering what is going on. My Grandma looks at me and says, “Chi is there something you want to tell everyone?” of course I knew what she was talking about this time, so after a long hesitation I look at my girls parents and say, “So ummm … how do I put this, me and Racquel have been hanging out and we’re into each other” there was complete silence, then there was what sounded like a sonic boom and everyone was talking at once. Me and Racquel were just looking at each other with that Oh Sh*t now what look as this went on for about an hour.

My Grandma turned to us and said Chi take Racquel to your room and say your good-byes because this is over. We went to my room and of course we didn’t say good-bye we were teenagers and rebellious so we giggled a little, kissed and said we would see each other on Monday. Our families, mine particularly tried to keep us apart, I swear I was grounded forever, eventually Racquel and I moved on and my family came to terms and now I am greatful my Grandma found that love letter because although I was forced out I couldn’t imagine being closeted.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

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This week’s Come Out & Play post spotlights Courtney, an 18-year-old student at University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Courtney e-mailed me her story through OurChart, a lesbian social-networking site spun from the L Word.

This is Courtney’s story:

I knew I was gay all throughout high school. Coming out, on the other hand, I had decided to push off until college… that was until I couldn’t take pretending to be straight anymore.

One of my best friends was the resident lesbian in our medium-sized
conservative high school. I’ll call her “Jordan.” She was beautiful,
smart, and always knew what she wanted. Yet, at the beginning of my junior year Jordan was the last of my friends that I came out to. It was Monday morning late November. I pulled her away from our loud, and quite large, group of friends. I came out, and she was surprisingly shocked. She thought she had the best gaydar possible, but missed me by a mile. Later that day she asked me to dinner. “No pressure,” she said. “I just want to talk.” That night I told her I didn’t want to date anyone in high school. She seemed oddly disappointed, but I ignored her behavior.

Wednesday came with the movie theater premier of RENT! Of course being the drama nerds of our high school, most of our group of friends attended. Unknowingly to me, Jordan made sure that we were sitting next to each other and our sexual tension began.

The next day was Thanksgiving. At the time, I worked at the movie theater and had to work that night. Jordan came in crying with her best friend because of something her mother did or said. When she came up to the counter to buy Harry Potter tickets, I asked “do you want a hug?” Now, Jordan was never one that needed comfort. Anyone else, I knew she’d automatically say “No, I’m fine.” But on that strange night she allowed me to hug her. I joined Jordan and her best friend later that night. We hung out at Hy-Vee until the wee hours of the morning. We talked, laughed, and discussed the beautiful celebrities we had lesbian crushes on. When I got
home, I found Jordan was already online. We started talking, one thing led to another, and she told me she liked me. I sort of figured, but was still completely shocked that this confident, insanely sexy, intelligent girl wanted me. We planned to meet Saturday morning at Panera Bread.

We both later confessed to almost ditching the other at Panera that morning. As fate would have it, we didn’t. Instead we spent our discussion whether to date or not on a small couch in the corner. With Jordan scooting towards me every chance she could, I almost leaped off the couch in sexual frustration. We didn’t get anywhere in our discussion, so I went home while she headed to work.

The next day, Sunday, we met up and went to Barnes and Noble to hang out before going to our friend Kaylene’s house. We sat in the Children’s Department contemplating our dating situation. Obviously, we both think way more than needed. But when the store was closing and our time running short, I got up to face Jordan. She stood on the kids’ bench above me while she asked “do you want to?” I took her hand, helped her down, and said “yes.”

In six short days I went from barely coming out to being in my first lesbian relationship. My parents later found out of my orientation through the grapevine and didn’t take it well. Jordan and I dated for almost a year, ending our relationship in her first college semester while I was still stuck in high school. Eight months after our breakup, we don’t talk much but are fairly friendly when we run into each other. I am comfortable with my sexuality and have dated other girls since.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

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This week’s Come Out & Play post spotlights Lance Bass, former NSync member, aspiring astronaut and wanna be actor.

Lance Bass burst onto the pop scene with his smooth, baritone that often held NSync’s signature harmonies together like super glue. With their synchronized dance moves and titillating live shows (in which they never sunk to Ashley Simpson or Britney Spears standards by using a backing track I might add), it was easy to see why billions of weeping prepubescent girls, trillions of significantly sexually neglected housewives, and hoards of closeted lesbians (myself happily included) fell desperately in love with each and every band member.

Lance was billed as the shy one, since he was hardly animated in interviews and often let his harmonizing counterparts bask in the limelight while he stood contently in the background. He never spoke of girlfriends, conquests or otherwise. And, when asked, he made up the “qualities” he’d like to find in a woman or described the perfect date for prying teeny bopper magazines worldwide just for the mere fun of it.

Time passed, and Lance eventually grew out of NSync as did the rest of the group. He tried his hand at acting, and by tried I mean he gave it the ol’ college try. Then he revisited a long lost childhood dream of being an astronaut, went to space camp and was eventually detoured journeying to space because he couldn’t secure enough funding. Poor Lance. Where would he go from there? Maybe with nothing left to do but twiddle his thumbs and watch Justin’s solo career sore, Lance was left with only one option - face a sexuality he had been so carefully hiding like a secret stack of Playboys, or Playgirls in this case, under his featherbed.

I wasn’t there, nor was I in Lance’s head. But, knowing what I know about the wonderful world of coming out, I can assume he went through all of the key stages: denial, curiosity, fear, anxiety and finally, acceptance. I know the last stage to be true because Lance chose to come out last fall. And, I guess if you are going to come out, you may as well come out all the way. What’s that saying? Go BIG or go home.

Lance told his story to People magazine. How bigger can one go?

July 2006 ~

“I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys’ careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said (that I was gay), it would overpower everything,” says Bass, referring to bandmates Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, JC Chasez and Justin Timberlake.

“I didn’t know: Could that be the end of ’N Sync? So I had that weight on me of like, ‘Wow, if I ever let anyone know, it’s bad.’ So I just never did,” he says speaking about his sexual orientation for the first time with People.

Now, after years of keeping his personal life private, the Mississippi-bred, Southern Baptist-reared Bass, 27, is publicly revealing what he first shared with his friends, then his shocked family.

“He took years to really think about how he was going to tell everyone,” says his close buddy Fatone, 29, who was the first ‘N Sync bandmate to find out Bass is gay. “I back him up 100 percent.” Adds Bass’s longtime pal, actress Christina Applegate: “I’ve always accepted him as who he is. It’s about his own serenity at this point.”

Having pursued acting, producing and – most memorably – space flight after ’N Sync went on hiatus in 2002, Bass now is looking ahead to new beginnings. He is in a “very stable” relationship with model-actor-Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl, 32, and is developing an Odd Couple-inspired sitcom pilot with Fatone in which his character will be gay.

Mostly, though, he’s just enjoying the relief that comes with the culmination of a long, at times emotionally fraught journey.

“The thing is, I’m not ashamed – that’s the one thing I want to say,” he explains of his decision to come out. “I don’t think it’s wrong, I’m not devastated going through this. I’m more liberated and happy than I’ve been my whole life. I’m just happy.”

As for why he’s talking about this now, Bass says, “The main reason I wanted to speak my mind was that (the rumors) really were starting to affect my daily life. Now it feels like it’s on my terms. I’m at peace with my family, my friends, myself and God so there’s really nothing else that I worry about.”

Since coming out in late summer of 2006, Lance has been embraced by the gay community. And why not? He’s got a pair of soft green eyes that would melt any queen’s icy heart. The gay world is a better place with Lance in it.

Keep an eye out for Lance’s tell-all book, called “Out of Sync.” Lame, I know. Personally, I think it should be called “Fish out of Water.” Get it. Bass. Fish. Eh, never mind.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

come out and play, lance bass, nsync, out of sync, on the line, people magazine, lance comes out to people, justin timberlake, jc chasez, joy fatone, chris kirkpatrick, astronaut, reichen lehmkuhl

This week’s Come Out & Play post spotlights Takeshii, a 22-year-old Japanese-American engineering student:

My story isn’t that loud or spectacular, but.. I think it’s the way it happens for a lot of people. I didn’t really come out, people just.. eventually guessed and prodded until I admitted it.

It became apparent to everyone by my junior year of high school. My sisters both suspected because I never dated, but my friends were surprised because I don’t have the stereotypical tell-tale signs. They just thought I was a shy FOB and American girls were too scary for me.

Eventually my sisters asked and I just shrugged and said “..Yeah.. I like guys.” I guess I’m lucky that my step-mom was as liberal as they come, and was cool about it. Maybe it was because I’m not her actual son. My dad, though..

He’s the kind of guy who likes to pretend to be a good guy, and wants everyone else to believe it too. He acts like he’s accepting of it, and me. But he makes a lot of gay jokes in this really nasty way. He’s half attacking but half trying to make you think he isn’t, to cover his ass. What I hate most is the way he looks at me. As if saying “You should be glad your Mother isn’t alive to see this.”

I remember my Mother. As I remember her.. she was a rebel. I don’t think she would have cared. She’d still have been my Mother.

I get different reactions in America, it’s so controversial sometimes.. sometimes I get praised, but other times people look at me like I am the devil. When I’m home in Japan.. when people found out they were like, “Ohhhh, SUGOI!” (Trans: cool.) They ask a lot of questions and are very interested. I guess it’s cultural differences. Sometimes it makes me homesick.

I guess the American uncertainty made me shy on the dating scene. After graduation I started working in bars as a bouncer, but I never dated much.. just one night stands and random hookups. They were easy, and I didn’t want any boyfriends, really. I guess I thought I was a wild boy.. people tried to hook me up, there were crushes.. but until I figured out my needs and curiosities, I wasn’t ready for that.

Now I guess I’ve matured. I’m in school, studying for an engineering degree, and I’m just.. content with my life, and my sexuality. I’m not involved right now and don’t plan to be.. I have other things I need to take care of. But I’m out and I’m okay with who I am and how I feel about it, and that’s part of being content with my life.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

Doctor: What’s wrong?
Patient: I have a sore throat.
Doctor: Anything else?
Patient: Yes … I’m gay.

Sounds easy, doesn’t it? But, as we all know, coming out is never an easy task – no matter who it is. This week’s Come Out & Play post spotlights coming out to your doctor.

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This week’s Come Out & Play post spotlights Jeremie. (Jeremie asked that only her first named be used.) Jeremie contacted me on the Planet Podcast Forum and offered to share her coming out story with the Lez Keep it Real readers. I give her a lot of credit for putting herself out there.

The following is Jeremie’s story:

It was my freshman year of high school. I thought everything was going pretty well for the middle of the year. My grades were up, my friends were abundant and even my teachers seemed to like me. One night well talking to my friend online, after finishing my homework of course, I felt really close to her. We were just talking about anything and everything really.

I was sitting there thinking about how great our friendship was…and then there was a pause in the conversation. I was thinking of what to say next when I thought about something. Recently I’d been working out in my mind that I was gay, but I hadn’t fully accepted it in myself. But that night the electricity in the air was palpable to me. I felt like I could do anything, with my friend by my side.

So when I began typing I had a mission: I was going to tell the first person ever to know that I was gay. As soon as the words hit the screen my heart started pounding, blood started rushing to my head, and I was beginning to feel dizzy and nervous. The words: YAY! Popped up in the conversation window next and I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding. She was happy…happy! She was the first person I had told and she was happy for me. What could’ve been better?

“Please,” I typed “Keep this quiet though, I’m not sure how many people I want to tell yet.” I waited. “You bet buddy, I’m just glad you finally did it!”

The conversation carried out for almost the rest of the night until I felt too tired to continue. That night I slept peacefully. A weight had metaphorically been lifted from my shoulders and I could breathe easy, because now I was not so lonely.

The next day at school was like any other. I went through classes, got my homework and rode home in the car with my sister. As soon as I got home I was starting my homework when I got a phone call. It was a friend from school. “Hey there.” I said “What’s going on?” “Oh you know,” the person at the other end of the line replied, “Just that…I heard you’re gay. Is that true?” Immediately my face burned red, although there was no one to see it. My breathing became shallow and I tried to fight off anger and frustration…and tears. “No.” I grit out through my teeth. “Why would you say that?” “Well someone mentioned that you said that to them last night, but I’m not telling you who. But I just wanted to see if it was true or not.” “Of course not. Listen, I have to go, I’ve got..homework.”

I hung up the phone as a million things ran through my mind and a million emotions flashed inside of me, but the biggest emotion of them all was Betrayal. I had never felt so betrayed in my life. I quickly called my supposed best friend and there was no answer. For the rest of the night I tried calling her and she kept avoiding me, and later that evening she failed to get online. I had a sneaking suspicion why.

That night was restless for me. I don’t think I slept at all. When I was at school in the morning, I was in seek-and-destroy mode, someone leaked my secret and that someone would pay!

“Hey” I yelled and ran up to my friend. “What’s up?” She asked innocently. “You know what is up? I got a call from a mutual friend last night and they said that you told them I was gay…I told you to keep it quiet!” “Look I thought they should know ok? It’s not a big deal, it was only that person.”

I was furious, and so the best thing to do at that moment, was for me to walk away. Which is what I did. Through the day people kept coming up to me and asking me if I was gay and I kept saying no. I was miserable, and more than anything I was angry. At that point in time I felt like, if this was what being gay was about, I didn’t want anything to do with it. I trudged through the day, fearing that my whole high school life would be like this from now on.

We exchanged some words and tried to work things out, and I was pretty mad at my friend for a while. I didn’t know what she was thinking. I didn’t expect this from her. Eventually the questions died down and the rumors became yesterday’s news…and I did end up forgiving my friend. A part of me was glad that she had done what she did, but the other part, kind of wishes she would’ve let me come out on my own time. Either way, I came out, and my friends all know, the school knows, and I even got around to clueing in my mom and sister. Later that year I found out that my mom was also a Lesbian as was my sister. Bizarre no? But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You can visit Jeremie on the Planet Podcast Forum under the name writerboi.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

Have YOU heard about the “fag bug?”

[Come out and play, coming out, the closet, planet podcast, planet podcast forum, gay, lesbian, boi, high school, gay teens, coming out in high school, fag bug[/tags]

This week’s Come Out & Play post spotlights Jen Austin, author of the book, Coming Out Christian and radio personality for Mix 102.9 and Pride Radio in Dallas, TX.

As we all know, coming out is an extremely life altering, self-evaluating process. Now imagine if the very core of your identity was at odds because of your strong religious convictions versus your sexuality?

The following is Jen’s coming out story …
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This week’s Come & Out Play post spotlights Sheryl Swoopes.

I’ve got plenty of reasons to cheer for Swoopes. She’s a baller after my own heart, plays for the WNBA and is an Olympic medalist. Her team, the Houston Comets, has won a total of four championships since the WNBA’s inception in 1997. Plenty of reasons, right? Wait, I’ve got one more.

Swoopes is also gay.

She came out in October 2005 and was brave enough to tell her story to the world:

“I’m tired of having to hide my feelings about the person I care about. About the person I love. Some people might say my coming out after just winning the MVP Award is heroic, and I understand that. And I know there are going to be some negative things said, too. But it doesn’t change who I am. I can’t help who I fall in love with. No one can.” READ MORE

For most of us who have come out, we’ve had to do it on a relatively small scale. We’ve had to open up to a circle that includes our family, friends and scattered acquaintances. For a rare few, the circle happens to be just a tad bit larger. Coming out isn’t exactly the easiest thing to do, especially when it’s in front of millions of people.

Sheryl had her reservations:

“I mean, you have Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O’Donnell, but you don’t have your well-known gay African-American who’s come out. Not to my knowledge. I know it’s not accepted in the black community. I know I’ll probably take a lot of flak. But in all honesty, that’s not my biggest concern.

My biggest concern is that people are going to look at my homosexuality and say to little girls — whether they’re white, black, Hispanic — that I can’t be their role model anymore.” ~ ESPN

The 36-year-old hoopster, honored as the WNBA’s Most Valuable Player in 2005, told ESPN The Magazine that she feared coming out could jeopardize her status as a role model. Swoopes said that the main reason for her coming out is simply because she doesn’t want to lie. She wants to be honest, with herself and with her fans.

“Being gay has nothing to do with the three gold medals or the three MVPs or the four championships I’ve won,” she said. “I’m still the same person. I’m Sheryl.”

That’s right. She still is Sheryl. Sheryl Swoopes, the basketball star that so many little girls look up to and admire. Some of those little girls are gay, too. And now, they have a role model they can identify with on an even deeper level.

I’m a basketball fan myself and I love to play. I think that if Swoopes or any other well-known basketball player had come out when I was growing up, I would have been a lot easier on myself about, not only being gay, but being a female athlete who was gay as well. Throw being African American in the mix, and the effect is felt even further. As The Nation points out:

For African-American women athletes, especially in the WNBA, the closet can be a cavernous, lonely, chamber of depression. Many come from small Southern towns and communities where homophobia is as thick as the humidity. They then go to college programs where learning to stay in the closet can be as much a part of the coaching drills as lay-up lines and the three-person weave. Swoopes’s courageous stance has the potential to begin to move that weight in the other direction. READ MORE

Swoopes has complained that no one talks about gays playing in men’s sports, but that it’s become and issue in the WNBA. Let’s face it. We all know that the WNBA is just crawling with closeted lesbians because of the fact that most of the players are constantly in the public eye. Women’s basketball has grown immensely over the past 20 years, but still falls under so much scrutiny. There is still a stigma attached to being a physical, female athlete – so much so that some players are afraid that if they come out, they will be playing into that stereotype. (The WNBA is an issue I plan on addressing in a future post)

Unlike other closeted players however, Swoopes refused to hide her true self from the organization, the fans ,and the world. She took a big risk and, in the end, gained an even greater sense of well-being from that very risk.

As everyone has seen, her coming out had little to no affect on her career. She’s still loved as ever, as an athlete, as a woman, as an African American, and now, as yet another courageous lesbian.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

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This week’s Come & Out Play post centers on the difficulties and preparedness surrounding the “coming out” conversation.

The hardest part about coming out, I believe, is admitting that you are gay to yourself. After having that conversation with yourself, you’ll be able to transition into a place where you can feel confident in having that same conversation with others. Actually getting the words out of the caverns of your throat, off your sticky dry tongue and into the ears of others, well … that’s the second hardest part.

After you feel as though you are in a healthy place (emotionally and mentally) with your sexuality, you can begin to sift through your list of family and friends that you would like to talk to about being gay. Sometimes, it’s a matter of whom you feel most comfortable with and whom you think would respond in the most positive way. Other times, it’s a matter of who you feel you have to tell because you just don’t want to keep it from them any longer and feel as though you are hiding a piece of yourself from them.

The first person you choose to come out to is extremely important, because their reaction will set a sort of tone for your coming out journey. A poor reaction might convince you to refrain from telling others while a positive reaction might do the opposite and send you straight up to the roof tops armed with a megaphone and a short, concise monologue about your freedom ride out of the dreadful closet! Either way, try not to let others affect your decision to come out. You made the decision yourself; their reaction isn’t a reflection of you. It’s a direct reflection of them and their own inner feelings.

The first person I decided to tell, believe it or not, was my grandmother. She’s an extremely loving woman who is pushing 95 years young. I’m amazed at her every day because she is still so active and healthy. I can only reason that she’s lived so long because she acts from a place of unconditional love. I told her in a letter because, for me, it is the best way I know how to communicate. Her reaction was simply, “I always knew. And I love you still.” I wrote a column about this actually, it’s my favorite column that I have ever written. You can read it here.

After I moved back home from Boston to Buffalo back in 2002, I knew that I had to tell my parents next because I was going to be living with them and because I had never kept anything so deep and personal from them in my whole life. I was home for an entire month before I told them and every day I was in agony. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of when I went to bed. I had the whole conversation planned out in my head and replayed it a billion and one times over. I had a book called, Different Daughters for my mother to read because I feared she would have the hardest time with it. I thought some literature from other mothers might help her relate and indentify her feelings.

On a cool October night during dinner in our makeshift patio that was the garage (my father transformed it into a dining area in the summer so we could eat outside), my mother made an offhanded comment about how I seemed depressed lately. She asked a few questions and pressed the issue. After saying, “No, it’s not that” more than a couple of times, I finally said, “I have something to tell you.” Once I said those words, there was no going back. I said everything I had planned to say and more. Then, I let them speak. Their initial reactions were what I had anticipated. My mother cried, my father put on a game face and pretended to be OK. After it sunk in, things shifted. With the help of the book, my mother gained a better understanding of homosexuality and her entire outlook changed. She actually began to think that having a gay daughter was, dare I say, cool! My father had a harder time with it because of his strong religious and conservative convictions, what I told him challenged his entire worldview. But, just as I needed time and space to accept my sexuality myself, he needed the same consideration. And when he was ready, we were able to have more of a dialogue about it. As of today, my being gay is a non issue.

If you are getting ready to have your own conversation with friends and/or family, Human Rights Campaign.org has some great tips to aid you in this overwhleming task.

Some of their advice is as follows:

It’s normal to want or hope for positive reactions from the people you tell, including:

• Acceptance
• Support
• Understanding
• Comfort
• Reassurance that your relationship won’t be negatively affected
• Confidence that your relationship will be closer
• Acknowledgment of your feelings
• Love

All or some of these positive reactions can result from your coming out conversation, but they may not happen immediately. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes may also be helpful.

Give the person you’re telling the time they need. It may also be helpful to remember that the person you’re really doing this for is you. When you’re ready to tell someone, consider starting with the person most likely to be supportive. This might be a friend, relative or teacher. Maybe you will tell this person that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Maybe you will simply say that you have questions about your sexual orientation or gender identity.

Again, there is no right or wrong way to do this. You are the expert in knowing what’s best for yourself and what you are feeling. When you are ready, here are a couple of things to keep in mind:

• Find a relaxed, private place to have the conversation, and allow adequate time.
• People will usually take their cues from you in how to approach this — so be open and honest and say that it’s okay to ask questions. Appropriate and gentle humor can go a long way to easing anxiety for both you and the person you are speaking with.

READ MORE

The coming out conversation can be a daunting thing, but once you get over the initial fear and anxiety, once you get the words out and once you find yourself engaging in a dialogue with the person or people you are telling, you experience a feeling so free and liberating that I can’t even begin to describe it with words. I remember the feeling exactly, regardless of my parents’ or grandmother’s reaction. And I remember sighing to myself and thinking, “Well … it’s out. And so am I.”

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

Today’s Come Out & Play story comes from Christopher Chan, a twenty-one-year-old business student at Mount Royal College in Calgary, Alberta. (That’s in Canada people!)

I accidentally came across Christopher’s coming out story while perusing random video blogs on YouTube. As soon I saw it I was instantly impressed. Here’s a young man talking candidly about an incredibly emotional time in his life when he decided to come out to his friends and family, and he’s doing it in front of billions of people via the Internet.

Now that’s coming out with some moxie!

I contacted Christopher to ask him some follow up questions to his coming out video blog.

LD: What was the hardest thing about coming out for you?

CC: The hardest thing [for me] was having to face the fear of other people. Having to face my own fear of being different and unacceptable to my friends, colleagues and family. That I would have to live life as a “them,” as opposed to an “us.”

LD: Who was the hardest person to tell?

CC: My mother.

LD: Why did you choose to post your coming out story on YouTube?

CC: I had just established a video blog but ithad nothing personal on it. I figured that I wanted to let people know about my personal experiences, in order to become closer to my viewers. Perhaps even reach out and share my experience with people who may be going through similar ordeals.

LD: Who was your greatest support system when you were coming out?

CC: My dear friend, Anssam.

LD: What is your current relationship with your Mother? Is it any better/worse?

CC: It had improved drastically, although she doesn’t trust me.

LD: Do you feel your video blog will help others who struggle with coming out?

CC: I absolutely hope so.

LD: What advice, if any, would you give someone who was planning on coming out?

CC: The best things I could say is to come out when you’re ready. And when you do, you won’t have to run anymore.

LD: What was the best thing about coming out of the closet for you?

CC: I feel free to be myself. [I feel] free to love. Free to express affection to those whom I choose and free from lies and deceit.

For more about Christopher and his video blog, visit him at electric-flame.com

For more on the exciting world of YouTube, visit 451 Press’ own YouTube Digger.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

It’s good Friday and by all means it’s going to be a GOOD Friday because today I am introducing the weekly Friday series of Coming Out Stories!”

Everyone has a coming out story, whether it’s already written or waiting to be told. Each story is as unique as the person who tells it.

I like to equate coming out with being naked, because basically you are stripping down to your soul and bearing it all for the world to see merely by saying, “I’m gay.” These two little words can be the “shot heard ‘round the world.” That’s how much weight they carry and how much of an impact they can have on our lives as homosexuals living in a heterosexually dominated world. The idea of saying those two words out loud can be so frightening that many people choose not to say them at all. Instead, they hide in the safety of the closet because they believe that it’s better that way.

Believe me, it’s not.

By staying in the closet, people end up doing more harm to their mental, emotional and physical wellbeing than good. Hiding your true self from others, as well as yourself, is like ignoring a part of you that needs air to breathe, sunlight to grow and love to thrive. By hiding yourself you are saying that you don’t approve of who you are and that can lead to self-hatred and lowered self-esteem. Many closeted homosexuals endure periods of depression and seclusion. The closet can be a dark and lonely place, which makes it easy to see why we choose it as a symbol of isolation. When you decide to open the door and step into the air and light, the sensation is as freeing as if you were trapped for years in a physical closet. Coming out is liberating, as it often sets you free from such emotional torment. Of course, no one can tell you when to come out. Many people often come to the realization that they are gay at a young age, but don’t come out until years later. Realizing it is one thing, accepting it is another. And before you can come out to anyone, you have to come out to yourself. You have to feel as though it is the right time for you because, as they say, timing is everything.

My time happened when I was a bright-eyed twenty-two year-old. I had always known I was gay, every since I had a crush on my best friend in the third grade. But like most I had this horrible sense that if I told anyone, I would be ridiculed or worse. So I chose to try and hide it. After years of lying about how I felt and overcompensating by saying, “gay people are gross” whenever the topic came up, I finally reached a point where I couldn’t hide from it any longer. I wanted to explore that side of me because it became all I could think about. After a period of self-discovery and many journal entries later, I was able to say to myself, “I’m gay.”

The first person that you decide to come out to is extremely important, because their reaction sets the stage for future conversations with others. A positive reaction will allow you to feel more comfortable and confident when you decided to tell someone else. The first person I told was my grandmother. Our relationship had always been a close one and I knew that she often acted from a place of love in all aspects of her life. She offered me nothing but a caring shoulder and lots of support. I know that I was very lucky to have such a wonderful reaction and it only propelled me further along in my coming out process.

Unfortunately, like many leaps of faith, coming out has its risks. Family and friends might have an adverse reaction, some personal relationships may be altered and you may experience harassment or discrimination. The benefits, however, always outweigh the risks involved. While not everyone will be understand and accepting, by coming out you can give yourself the opportunity to live an open and whole live, develop closer and meaningful relationships, build up your self worth, pave the way for future gay and lesbian generations and become part of a thriving community. It’s more than just announcing to the world that you are gay, it’s about living life to the fullest on your own terms.

In the columns ahead, I will explore the many facets of coming out and the healthy ways to live openly in today’s society. We face decisions about coming out on a daily basis, from the why (or why not), to the when, where and who. It’s an ongoing journey that unfolds slowly like a gripping novel, one page at a time. Every story is different, but one thing will always remain the same.

Every story deserves to be told.

Every week I will post a “Coming Out Story of the Week” featuring coming out stories of celebrities (past & present), personal stories, resources and other fun tid bits.

Feel free to e-mail me your story!

coming out, homosexual, closet