Lez Keep It Real

Today’s Come Out & Play post spotlights coming out as an adult, taking a leap of faith during the middle ages of your life. It’s hard to come out, period. But it’s even harder to come out when your life has already taken another path, when you have already gone down the road for miles only to realize that maybe you should have turned off at a previous exit some time ago. But, even if the road gets bumpy, it’s never too late to come out of the closet.

I have a friend who has been married for 20 years. She has two kids, a good job, a dry sense of humor and oh, by the way - she’s a lesbian. The truth is that I knew she was gay the moment I shook her hand. I play basketball with a group of women, mostly lesbians, once a week from late October to May. It’s pick up ball and we make teams out of whoever shows up, play for about an hour and a half, and laugh until our stomachs are sore. My friend was in the minority in that she was one of only two “straight” women to play with us. It wasn’t that we were discriminating against straight women or anything, it’s just that the most of the women who played happened to be gay.

We’d often make plans with each other during the weekends, or go out as a group to local bars and gatherings. My friend was always there with us, without her husband in tow. She had no problem hanging out with a bunch of lesbians, and as I met more of her circle of friend outside of the basketball group I realized that most of them were lesbians too.

Most of the women in our basketball group thought she was gay too. One night, at a New Year’s Eve dinner party, my friend started talking about her husband. One of the women there responded by saying, “You have a husband? I thought you were gay.” And I’m sure it wasn’t the first time my friend had heard this comment.

About a week ago, my friend came over to watch the Bills game (I live in Buffalo). We hadn’t seen one another all summer long and she said that she had “something” to tell me. I knew what that “something” was even before she arrived. I knew that she was finally going to come out and I was thrilled for her. I never pushed the fact that I thought she was gay all along or that other people did to. I knew that there would come a time when she would realize it herself and that she would come out on her own, in her own time, when she was good and ready.

That time is now. Though my friend is in her late 40’s, is married and has two kids, she knows that she isn’t happy for a reason. The reason is that she is in a loveless marriage. And after developing a crush on someone else who happened to be a woman, it hit her. She knew she couldn’t stay in the marriage and now that her kids were old enough to understand, she knew she could find the strength to veer from the path she had once chosen for her life and start anew.

I can’t imagine what that must be like. Coming out is a confusing and often overwhelming experience, yet it can be so freeing. I know that when I went through the coming out process I had to navigate my way through a myriad of emotions, and that was without a husband and kids.

I think that my friend is courageous. Some may think she is being selfish. I don’t. You can’t live your life for other people, not even your husband and kids. She loves them dearly, but she also loves herself. And what good would she be to her kids if she continued living a lie, if she continued being miserable? She has the opportunity to be true to herself, and that is an admirable lesson her children can learn from this. Yes, it’s going to be a hard process. But time will heal all wounds and, in the end, it will be best for everyone involved.

If any of you have come out as an adult, I’d love to hear your side of the story. As for my friend, her story is just beginning. And I know I’ll be there for her throughout every chapter.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.