Lez Keep It Real

This week’s Come Out & Play post spotlights Christine from Canada. Christine told me her story through OurChart, a lesbian social-networking site spun from the L Word.

What makes this particular story intriguing to me is that I just wrote a post about gay Mormons a couple of days ago. I wanted some insight into what gay Mormons go through, I wanted to hear about it personally from someone who wasn’t afraid to talk about it …

Ask and you shall receive.

This is Christine’s story:

Now the awkward conversation… don’t worry - we’ll get through this. It always happens the night after something like that last blog.

The silence…

The abashed glances though eyelashes drawn down…

The writer’s block…

Yesterday I had my first “Religious” Guidance meeting. I think we made some progress as I managed - after some help from my cousin who agreed to come along as support.

We mannaged to get the point across that I was infact gay, that I LIKE women and that I am not in fact confused about my feelings surrounding men due to “bad” experiences. I would not/could not change this fact and that I personally don’t want to continue to suppress these feelings because I don’t want to kill myself.

Excerpt from meeting; “…has your brother ever had similar feelings?”

Huh?

For women - yes, he lives with one. Oh - you mean for men… no. Not that I know of.

I found it particularly funny how “the feelings” I’m having where continually alluded to but never named - so I through around the H word a bit to see if it would get any reactions. I know these guys love me - and I told them straight out and honestly for the first time that I was mad a GOD.

Yes - I said it, completely pissed at him. Everything in the bible denotes that “the feelings” that I’m having are evil, sinful and wrong… how can I feel at peace with myself and cut out that knowledge? I am at complete odds with my faith at this point. People that I know have hurt me deeply because they are hypocritical and hurtful with their words. I know (friends) people - who “love me dearly” that have had such hate pour out of their mouths for people they don’t know. “The Gays” - that’s what we’ll call her, a once close friend that told me I should be boycotting Wal-Mart - because they “…support THE GAYS…” and my first response was - good. Then second - aren’t there BETTER reasons to boycott Wal-Mart??

I told my cousin I didn’t want to be the poster child for lesbian Mormons…

She said; quoting someone else - “Sometimes you need to be more open minded to close minded people…”

I watched Jennifer Beals’ speech from the 2006 Glaad Awards and after sleeping on it, my meeting, my cousins words and how damn angry I am my current sphere of existence.

I decided I’m coming out. If they want me to be honest, strong and work on staying in the church… I’m not going to hide anymore.

I need to know who my real friends are - and who REALLY gives a shit. Before I have cancer or something really horrible happen.

I’d rather people talked to my face than at my back as I pass. I’m gonna make some t-shirts, - I probably won’t say it from a pulpit… and maybe I’m just gonna be a shit disturber - but even Brigham Young - with his 30+ wives was a swearin’ son of a Mormon… and I gotta be who I’m gunna be.

I don’t have a girlfriend, I still practice celibacy and if I suddenly did end up with someone - my plan of action may change to include them and thier feelings.

“She” might put the angry fire out.

But suddenly my thought is - There are other’s like me. And we need to support each other. And we need to love each other and this needs to be out in the open. I can’t be the only person hurting quietly and politely in a corner.

So I will be the local poster gurl. And they can all see me happy - not because I’m a Mormon… But because I’m GAY and I’m not going to hide that anymore.

Gay Mormons Unite! That’s not a bad one for the T-shirt…

Which makes me think of a T-shirt my aunt once made where she spelt Unite wrong and it said Untie instead…

I don’t know how long I will stay a Mormon. I’m never getting married in the Temple, I’m never going to date men, BUT - I’m not going to hold love at a distance anymore.

I just feel like making a flag and yelling a lot - “look at meeee!!! Look at meeee!!!!

So, something will give and I guess time will tell what, where and how.

Editor’s note: this excerpt is directly taken from Christine’s blog, therefore I did not change a word of it or correct typos, etc. I wanted it to be as real and as raw as it came across to me when I first read it.

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

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