Lez Keep It Real

This week’s Come Out & Play post spotlights Jen Austin, author of the book, Coming Out Christian and radio personality for Mix 102.9 and Pride Radio in Dallas, TX.

As we all know, coming out is an extremely life altering, self-evaluating process. Now imagine if the very core of your identity was at odds because of your strong religious convictions versus your sexuality?

The following is Jen’s coming out story …

I grew up in a town of about 700 people in rural Nebraska, so the gay examples were sorely lacking. I didn’t know any real live gay people, and The L Word certainly didn’t exist back then so I couldn’t flip on the TV and look for the Bettes and Tinas (the L Word)of the world. That probably would have launched me right out of the closet!

As it was, it took me awhile to match the thoughts and feelings I was having with the official orientation. Faith has always been an important part of my life, and it was my biggest obstacle. I can’t remember a moment in my life when I haven’t felt the presence of God. So when the gay feelings started to well up, it really freaked me out. I thought one of the identities — either faith or sexuality — would have to go. I didn’t see how a person could be both gay and Christian, because everything I had been taught had driven me to the conclusion that God was disgusted by gay people, had no use for them, and would consider any “gay move” to be a huge mistake. That’s a pretty paralyzing thought. But I regularly overcame little inklings like that with alcohol. I mustered up the courage to go to a gay/lesbian singles party in Austin once (with the help of about four beers) and on the way to the party I remember thinking that God would probably strike me with lightning to prevent me from getting there. At least the beers would have numbed the pain. Obviously, lightening didn’t strike, and the only pain that was inflicted was that from my own ridiculous fears. (I mean, it wasn’t even raining.) But I had paid attention to the “God hates fags” signs and the hate-filled sermons on television, and they scared me. Those pastors always seemed to carry the vibe that they had just gotten off of a conference call with God and were relaying the message about God’s thoughts on the gays, and I believed their conviction. Nobody wants to approach a God who might offer condemnation on spec, and who might consider a certain kind of truth to be an abomination. Just as I’d rather not hit myself in the head with a skillet, I’d rather not stir up God.

But the pain doesn’t come from God in this case. The moment I first realized that it was other Christians who were condemning me as a lesbian, and that the condemnation was not coming from God, it became a whole lot easier to approach God and work on developing a more profound relationship. That’s really what it’s about. It’s not about being perfect or living up to other Christians’ standards. It’s about a relationship with God, and anyone can have that.

I didn’t officially come out until I was 22, but looking back, there
was never a straight moment in my life. I remember looking reflectively upon my cassette tape collection when I was about eleven and noticing that all of the artists that I had grown particularly fond of were female. That was one of the first moments that I really questioned my connection to women, but I quickly ordered the thoughts to the deep recesses of my brain and they didn’t resurface for a few years. I developed little crushes on girls in high school — mostly female athletes whom I admired — but I didn’t label the crushes as such. I just thought I really really wanted those girls to be my friend. It wasn’t until after college, when I had the opportunity to get to know myself on a deeper level and begin to interact with a thriving gay community, that I popped out of that darn, stifling closet.

Coming out as a Christian

Coming out as a Christian puts me in a very narrow place. I feel like most of mainstream society doesn’t give a hoot anymore that I’m gay, but,”WHAT, you’re a Christian? Why would you do that?” Christianity on the whole tries so hard to push gay people away at times. Some Christians (not all) have a problem with us because we’re gay, and some people in the gay community have a problem with us because we’re Christians. It’s marginalizing. But then, life is about individuality I think, and it comes down personal convictions. Each of us has to act according to our own faith. If God is important to us, then we have to step up and take ownership of that no matter what the obstacles

Her family’s reaction:

The first thing my mom said when we had the coming out conversation was,” have you reconciled this with God?” I said I had, but I don’t think I really had a clue what that meant at the time. I knew that God loved me unconditionally, and I knew that it seemed logically silly for this God to throw me into the fires of hell for loving in a different way, but I had not yet been through the Biblical “clobber” passages and I hadn’t genuinely processed anything. But my mom wanted me to be okay with God, and that would help her be okay with it. My parents didn’t exactly throw me a party when I came out, but they never withdrew a drop of love from me. And they love Angela. She is just the most generous, kind, curious, appreciative person ever, and she gets along famously with my whole family. My dad said, “I’m so excited that I finally have someone to leave all of my tools to!”

While my family has been supportive, Angela (my partner) has one brother who used to be completely supportive, but then found religion and now completely shuns her. I always find it strange when a person becomes more religious and less accepting at the same time. It seems to me that it should be the other way around.

Her church’s reaction:

In my early twenties when I was coming out, I wasn’t really focused on church. I was sort of on a spiritual hiatus. Perhaps I was avoiding churches at that time because I sensed that there might be some opposition. Although I never stopped praying and never lost sight of God, it wasn’t until a couple of years later that I decided it was time to start looking for a church again. I had grown up Methodist and visited some Methodist churches in Austin with my partner Angela, and we got questions like, “Wouldn’t you girls like to come to our singles gathering on Friday night?” Not really, thanks. We didn’t come out to the folks at the churches we visited. We just snuck in and snuck out in an effort to gain some tasty morsels from the sermon and not stir up trouble if we didn’t have to. And besides, it wasn’t all that important to us to let our gayness be our identifier. They could think whatever they wanted. Not surprisingly, skimming the surface of theses churches kept us from settling in, and we never really found a church where we felt comfortable. Until we moved to Dallas. We attend Cathedral of Hope now, which has one of the largest GLBT congregations in the world, but maintains an expansive outreach and diversity in its membership. It’s a deep breath for sure.

Writing the book:

It was actually my partner Angela who urged me to write the book. I’ve always enjoyed writing and deep conversations, and she just sort of helped me direct those energies into one project. This was the book that I needed as I was coming out. I felt like most of the books out there at the time–from a spiritual perspective at least–were so overwhelmingly academic that it made them less relatable. I just needed a friend to dig deep and tell me their story, and let me be encouraged. Hopefully that’s what I’ve accomplished with this book.

Basically, I wrote the book with other gay and lesbian Christians in mind who
might be able to relate to my experience, so I think it would be particularly helpful for them. I tried to date men and thought largely of my grocery list and other to-do list items because I lacked an emotional connection. I dated women, heard the symphonies, and felt the sparks. I searched for churches, I asked God for direction…the results of all of these experiences are in the book, and those who have read it seem to see reflections in those
moments.

My grandmother is a great example of a heterosexual Christian who has been positively influenced. Her eyesight isn’t the best, and she says she “goes cross-eyed and blurry” if she reads too long, but she dove right into this. And she really wanted to talk about it. She needed no provoking from me. My grandma and I have never really had a long conversation about my being a lesbian, but this book was able to initiate some conversation. The highlight came when my grandma said, “No sir, I don’t have anything against gay people, but I’ve never really understood it. But now reading this…I think I’m beginning to.” If this book can plant a seed, then I’ve done my job.

It [the book] was challenging to write because it required so much study and reflection, and in that sense it forced me to grow and stretch, and made me a better person. I got to purge a lot! There are parts of the book that are less than flattering and it’s not easy to release those things into the world (especially for a control freak like me). But at the same time if my foibles can help someone else become stronger then it will all be worth it. My bosses at work have been fully supportive of my book. It’s really been freeing in a sense, because my radio endeavors and my writing can grow together. I’m just trying to use the abilities and opportunities I’ve been given to do positive things, and I’m grateful to have found some synergy.

And we’re grateful that Jen was not only able to find some peace and serenity, but to have also courageously put her story in the pages of a book that will surely help others who struggle with the same issue find some much needed solace and support.

You can get a copy of Coming Out Christian online at jenaustin.com, amazon.com, and as an e-book at mobipocket.com. It’s also available in a few bookstores in Dallas and Austin, TX. Those stores are listed on Jen’s website.

If you have a comment for Jen or would like to get more information about her book, you can contact her at jen@jenaustin.com

Tune in every Friday for the Come Out & Play series, featuring coming out stories of celebrities, every day people, personal reflections, advice, tid bits and everything else concerning the complicated world of coming out!

Got an interesting coming out story to tell? Contact me and I will feature it in an upcoming post of Come Out & Play.

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