The most intriguing question of the day is …
Can you ever really be friends with your ex?
OK, so it’s not as of a riveting or compelling question as “why are we here?” or “is there really a heaven?”
But it is as complex.
It’s one of those questions where the answer is different for everyone. It all comes down to beliefs, circumstances and relationship ideology.
I’ve written about this before,
from my perspective. But this morning I was hit with a discussion (we’ll call it a discussion, though argument would probably be more accurate) about my girlfriend’s ex. My girlfriend and her ex are pretty good friends. They check in with one another on a regular basis and have what I would call “a solid friendship.” There’s no blurring of the lines, no misplaced feelings. And yet, I still have an issue with it for some reason.
My issue isn’t that I don’t want my girlfriend to be friends with her ex, it’s more about the boundaries. In my experience, I’ve learned that it served my best friend (aka, my ex) and I well when we went our separate ways. Neither of us could really move on and evolve unless we did so. I guess I figured it was like that everyone. But maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I didn’t take into account that everyone has different relationships and interactions, and that my situation was unique to me. Maybe I thought that there was one, definitive answer to the above question when really there are thousands.
Can you ever really be friends with your ex?
For me, the answer is no. It just wouldn’t work. And we are better off with the way things are now.
But what about the rest of you? I’d love to hear what your answers are. Maybe it will help give me some clarity. Or maybe it will simply entertain me. Either way, comments are encouraged.
exes and friends, blurring the boundaries, too much contemplation
March 12th, 2008 at 10:18 am
I am friends with several of my exes, including my ex-husband. We still e-mail each other even though it has been almost 14 years since our divorce. It has not interfered in any way with my relationship with my husband.
To me, unless the person was abused or mistreated by an ex, I would question a person who can spend a long time with someone and then suddenly have absolutely no feelings for or contact with them. I would never remarry my ex, but I do care what happens to him and am interested in his having a happy home with a new wife.
To just throw those years out the window with no looking back would require a certain amount of cold-heartedness that I don’t have, nor do I desire in a partner.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I’m with April - I’m friends with a couple of my ex’s, extremely close with one of them. Of course, one of them is my brother-in-law, the other was my husband and brother in law’s best friend (the extremely close one) who later married my sister against my better judgment then divorced her five years later with a “i shoulda listened, Lessa!” He’ll always be one of my best friends, no matter the distance as he now lives in a different state.
A couple other ex’s I couldn’t care less if I ever saw again. So it all depends really, on the person involved, but its certainly not impossible to remain friends.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
I wish I were better friends with my ex, but I could see how I would be jealous if my husband were friends with his ex, even though I trust him - it’s HER I wouldn’t trust LMAO.
March 13th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I think the “boundaries” and “evolving” you talk about are both good points and, in my own case, I would be inclined to feel the same way.
It may be different for different people. I have a number of friends who continue to be friends with exes…just not sure I could pull it off.
March 13th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Boundaries and distance are key. Can you be close friends in the six months to a year after a break up? I really don’t think so, your body remembers too easily what it is like to cross the boundaries and it is too hard to interact appropriately.
But a couple/few years later? Sure you can, even if the break up was bad. I only have one ex that is not my friend, and that is the new wife’s call - not ours. Now would I talk on the phone with them every day? No, because that is disrespectful … being friends with an ex requires some give and take. You have to give some territory to the new lover/spouse/girlfriend in order to keep your longterm friendship alive.
Granted, sometimes this can go badly. But that goes back to the boundaries/respect/honesty issue. If folks are clear on boundaries, respectful of each other, and honest with themselves and the other people involved then a friendship is wonderful. It is only when little lies of omission or white lies start to creep in that you know there is a problem.
March 13th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I think you can be friends with your ex… however, if you are in a new relationship, you should really consider the feelings of your new partner. Depending on how they feel, the amount of time you spend with your ex should reflect that (the results can also give you a little insight on your new partner).
We all have different boundaries, I don’t think any of the boundaries are necessarily right or wrong, but both people need to be honest and up front on what those boundaries are.
March 24th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
If you have issues with your girlfriend being friends with her ex, this is a clear indication that you have serious insecurities regarding your relationship.
Unless your girlfriend has indicated to you that she is uncomfortable with the “boundaries” that you allude to but don’t explain fully, then you really don’t have a right to be upset.
March 24th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Diane - thanks for your comment. I think you misread what I said though. I don’t have an issue with my girlfriend being friends with her ex. And when I say boundaries, I’m not talking anything physical. I believe that there are certain boundaries that should be kept between ex lovers to avoid any overlapping spiderweb-type issues. I think my issue is more of a case of envy than anything else - meaning I wish my ex and I could have found the same type of solid ground from which to base a friendship.