Lez Keep It Real

There are many reason why I chose to remain in the closet throughout my adolescence. Confusion, for one. Denial, for two. But the most prevalent reason, by far, was fear.

I was afraid.

I don’t recall ever being afraid for my life, though. I was more afraid of just being different. When you’re different, you stand out from the crowd. When you’re different, other kids notice. When you’re different, high school can seem like an eternity of taunts and ridicule. When you’re different, things like this can happen.

From Time.com ~ Lawrence King, an eighth grader who identified as gay and wore makeup and nail polish, was 15 when he was declared brain dead on Feb. 13.

The day before, he had been shot in the head in an Oxnard, Calif., classroom full of students. Police have charged a sweet-faced boy called Brandon McInerney, 14, with first-degree murder and with a hate crime. According to the Los Angeles Times and KTLA, McInerney and some other boys accosted King about his sexuality on Feb. 11. Students apparently often taunted King, who didn’t even have a safe home to return to after school: he was living in a shelter for abused and troubled children.

The crime, a chilling execution carried out in a typical suburban school — allegedly by a boy who probably hasn’t started shaving — has shocked Oxnard and captured the attention of gay and transgender activists around the country. On Friday, the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force released a statement saying, in part, “Our hearts go out to Lawrence’s family — and to all young lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender kids who are — right now, right this minute — being bullied and beaten in school while adults look the other way.” Another group, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) called for passage of the Matthew Shepard Act, which would dramatically increase the power of the federal government to prosecute hate crimes.

I did my best not to be different. Trying to be anything but the tomboy I was, was hard enough. Imagine me with long, flowing hair and low cut tops.

In a word: scary.

But, as I said, I did my best to fit in. Sure, I may have been uncomfortable in tight jeans and lipstick but it wasn’t unbearable by any means. I was still able to be myself personality wise and my tomboy side burst out whenever a sports-related activity was involved. I can honestly say that my high school years were enjoyable. I was popular. And, for the most part, I was happy.

Sadly, this admission makes me wonder … would my years of high school have been that enjoyable if I had come out?

Or would I have been teased, tormented and cast aside?

The answer is simply, I don’t know. I will never know. But when situations like these occur, I can’t help but think that by staying in the closet I made things a hell of a lot easier for myself.

I know it sounds like I am saying it’s better to blend in rather than stand out. I’m not saying that at all. The truth is that I’m not proud of the fact that I gave up a part of myself merely to blend in. What I am saying is that I can understand the appeal. Those kids who do take the leap of faith and love themselves fully enough to be who they are regardless of what others may think are to be commended. They did what I could not. They did what I was not ready to do.

It is a shame that these brave adolescents are targeted for such strength. Most of us wish we had an ounce of that kind of courage at that age. Most of us are sick to our stomaches over this.

Most of us just wish being different wasn’t such a big deal.

time magazine, lawrence king, Brandon McInerney, being different