Would you switch if you could?
If any of you pay attention to the weather channel, you’d know that I’m up to my ears in snow here in Buffalo. Mother Nature bestowed a generous amount of the fluffy white stuff yesterday – about a foot and a half to be exact.
Snow doesn’t bother me much. I enjoy it, especially at this time of year. Part of the reason is because I like to ski. The other part? I don’t know. There’s something about snow that makes me feel like a kid again.
People ask all of the time if I’d like to move down south to where my parents live. Of course not, I tell them. I like where I live. The thing about Buffalo is that we get a taste of all the seasons.
Winter. Summer. Spring. And fall. It’s the best of all worlds. Why would I want to move some place else?
Here’s another question. This one posed by ABC. It’s a fair question, just like the one about living some place else. Only this question digs a little deeper. It’s not so much about where you live, but who you decide to live as.
If there was a gay-straight switch, would you switch?
Many lesbians and gays argue against the proposal that homosexuality is a choice. We profess that we were born this way, that the big guy up stairs didn’t ask us before he created us, and that we had no say in the matter whatsoever.
But what if we did? What if we had the choice? What if there were some magic pill we could take to make all of our homosexual urges disappear. Would you take it?
I asked myself the same question.
My answer? Hell, no.
Though my sexuality doesn’t define me, I can’t deny that it is a part of who I am. The journey I embarked upon years ago that culminated with my coming out of the closet has helped shaped me into the person I am today. Of course, I am on other paths as well. Other journeys that are far from finished.
I am on spiritual journey.
I am on a writing journey.
And I am also on a healing journey.
All of these journeys began at birth, though I wasn’t aware of them at the time. I feel as though I didn’t choose them. I feel as though they chose me.
I have always been a writer, ever since I can remember. But what if I chose to do something else with my life. What if I chose to become a chef? Sure, I think I could do it. But would I enjoy it? Would it make me happy?
My answer? Hell, no.
See, the thing is, I already know what it is like to be a writer. I already feel it deep inside of me that this is what I was meant to do with my life. If I chose to give it up, I would miss it incredibly. I would feel as though a part of me were missing. I would feel empty with out words …
I just wouldn’t be me.
The same goes for my sexuality. I’ve lived 29 years as a lesbian. It’s what I know. It’s a part of me. It’s who I am. And to think that I could suddenly chose to be with men – just to think about it – makes me feel empty inside. Because the reality is, I’d miss women. I’d miss what I already know. I’d feel as though a part of me were missing …
I just wouldn’t be me.
It’s taken me years of love and acceptance to embrace the person I am today. I love me. I love everything about me, even the parts that are hard to love. I love that I wake up every day more evolved than the day before. I love that every decision I have ever made, right or wrong, has brought me to this exact point in time. And when I think about changing anything about me, I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.
And if given the choice, I wouldn’t change my sexuality either.
Because I just wouldn’t be me.
gay/straight switch, abc news, abc, homosexuality a choice, buffalo, snow
December 17th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Such an interesting topic for me. See, I guess you could say I am switching….I’ve identified as hetero for 32 years, until two months ago had only been with men. But am I switching at all, or just finally acting on something that has always been a part of me? Right now I feel as if I will miss my husband and marriage with great desperation, but will I miss men in general? being with men? having relationships with men? sleeping with men? I don’t really think so.
And I guess that gives me my answer, dosen’t it. Even though this is causing so much pain and loss, I wouldn’t take that pill - not even now when there is still a chance I could pick up the pieces of my old life. I wouldn’t do it, because I am just now finally experiencing what it is to feel whole; fractured, no doubt - but whole.
and as for what you said about writing:
“See, the thing is, I already know what it is like to be a writer. I already feel it deep inside of me that this is what I was meant to do with my life. If I chose to give it up, I would miss it incredibly. I would feel as though a part of me were missing. I would feel empty with out words …”
Yea. That.
December 18th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Lyndsey..
Thanks for inserting that little nugget into my brain, I have ignored my desk all morning.
To echo Jen, I too am now comfortable in my skin. I started late and have hetero background to draw upon. Luckily my family is accepting, my work is good with diversity..as well as my neighbors are cool. So on that front, I live well and needing to change isn’t really a problem.
What I really can’t accept though is that for me to be different, i.e. not gay, I would have had to be born/reborn straight..and that my friend I have issues with. I am afraid I would lose some of my very awesome personality traits if I was straight. For example, my love of anything mechanical, my love for sports, my desire to compete, a dislike for Tupperware parties with straight women, and of course a raunchy joke with the boys at work..I could go on and on. But I think you can see where I am coming from, and no I would NOT like to flip the switch.
I really like being a strong, independent lesbian. I believe I am way more well rounded, able to succeed on so many levels, being able to draw on the experiences that the “choice” to be gay has giving me..